Will Philosophize for Food

So it is job market time, and for those who are interested I have listed the preliminary candidates below.

Washington University*
University of Washington
Rice University*
Wells College*
Yeshiva University*
Bryn Mawr
Siena College
Duke*
NYU*
Rutgers
Princeton
Cornell*
University of Southern California
California State University*
Northwestern University*
University of Wisconsin*
Notre Dame*
Ohio State University*
Tilburg University*
University of Western Ontario*
Syracuse University*
University of Connecticut*
University of South Carolina

(* application has already been sent)

I will probably add at least 10 more to this list over the next month, which is probably a good thing since NYU, Princeton, and Rutgers would never consider interviewing me (they are top 5 schools). I'll go ahead and throw in Cornell, Duke, and University of Washington as completely hopeless too. So that's 1/4 of my list. Time to lengthen the list.

Dear Snappleknt,

I don't know your real name, but your mischievous attempt at trickery was a failure. As I left the Crazy Horse and approached my car from the rear, found your snapple bottle (containing a straw) positioned under my rear passenger side tire. You must try harder next time. I give you an 'A' for audacity since you had to attempt your ruse directly in front of the Alley Bar, Irish Lion, and Crazy Horse; however, I give you an 'F' for the execution. A more clever foe would have put the bottle under the front passenger tire where it would likely be obscured by the body of the vehicle.

-Brian

Sorry, Basty

Please believe me when I say that it was not by design that in the middle of the night the cello case (cello and all) crashed down into your bed while you were sleeping. It was as much of a surprise to me as it must have been to you--well, probably not, but it still startled me. I do my best to provide you with a controlled environment free of unpleasant surprises to make living easy on your fragile nerves. I suppose now the cello case, deservedly, will join the ranks of the vacuum cleaner as a suspicious item.

-Brian

Dear Basty,

Tonight I came home from Soma, where I was working on chapter one of Latent Variable Realism in Psychometrics to find that you had gotten into the trash. This displeased me very much. It has been so long since you misbehaved in this way. Our relationship has taken a step backward. How can I trust you to be on your own when you do such things? Now, I realize that scraps of my dinner must have been quite the temptation. It is not every day that someone so masterfully whips up pasta with a balanced blend of cajun spiced sauteed mushrooms, asparagus, roma tomatoes and mustard sauce. I myself could not resist such as artistic creation and ate all but a few scraps. You must have been thinking the following: what pefectly prepared angel hair pasta, neither too firm nor too soft, and how creative of you to think of making a sauce out of course ground mustard and butter and olive oil, what insight in to the culinary world you must have had to make such an unlikely pair (tangy, yet smooth) harmonize. You, Brian, make the paradoxical divine. And the mushrooms(!): quickly sauteed in cajun spices,butter and olive oil to the point where they just became slightly crisp. You displayed particular foresight and aptitude when you threw the asparagus in at the last minute so that it would not be overcooked; after all we both know it takes longer to cook mushrooms than asparagus, even the thin kind which you know to be superior to the logs of asparagus that they sometime sell. As if it was not already a sauce befitting the most fastidious of palates, you added fresh and chopped roma tomatoes. How did you know the acidity of the tomatoes would complement so well such a daring dish? Did you not worry that the acidity of the tomatoes and the spice of the mustard combined would overpower the mushrooms' delicacy and drown out their subtle melody? I am bewildered at what a complex and virtuosic symphony you have composed.

I know these things must have been going through your head while it was stuck in the garbage bag. But please, in the interest of keeping peace among roommates, you must not dig in the garbage. I hope the coffee grounds were a nice addition to the dish.

Yours truly,

Brian