Saturday, June 24, 2006
Samson Under Attack!
Samson and his comrades are under attack. A militant group of insects of unknown origin have established enclaves somewhere in the vicinity of my otherwise peaceful garden. They enter the garden with little regard for the local laws, respecting only their own barbaric customs, and endeavor to destroy the Perfect Garden. In an effort to purge my harmonious nation of tomatoes and peppers of these illegal invaders, I have dusted the crop with Sevin 5, an agro-chemical pesticide. There will be no amnesty for Japanese beetles, snails, slugs, or spider mites in this garden. Such a move would only cheapen the significance of citizenship granted to legitimate residents and would be unfair to the basil plants currently awaiting entrance to the garden (thank you basil plants for respecting the process of citizenship). My crop is a bountiful crop, no doubt a hospitable environment for any creature, but residence in my garden is limited to those to enter by legitimate means: first and foremost one must have my approval, which is established by demonstrating that one will uphold the principles of perfection established for the garden. There may be a waiting period before applicants can begin to set down roots in the garden, but this waiting period pays dividend in terms of harmony and rights to the resources of the garden. There is food in every pot and there is a excellent heathcare system. Maintaining harmony requires that there be a careful screening process to ensure that leaches (slugs, snails, weeds, etc.) do not fleece the garden of its resources. Second, citizens of the garden must be willing to pay taxes. You do nothing for the garden if you do not contribute to the general coffers with either fruit or aromatics. Free loaders will be deported to the compost heap. This also applies to those birds (you know who you are) who enter the garden illegally, steal from the coffers, and send the fruit back to their home-nests. We enjoy an isolationist existence in my garden. Maintaining the welfare of impoverished bird/bug-nations is not part of our foreign policy; expect borders around the garden to be strengthened in the coming days. A militia of scarecrows and other deterrents will be implemented. If need be, snipers will be deployed. Non-deleterious foreign influences are welcome. I say this to those of you who wish to visit and pollinate tomato and pepper flowers. You may enter and leave at your leisure provided you wear the mandatory yellow jacket or Blind Melon "Bee Girl" uniform. However, those of you without the uniforms will be considered in violation of Perfect Garden's Perfect Airspace. Airborne toxins will be scrambled to escort you away from Perfect Airspace and to your demise.
The War on Terrorism: Summon the Deathpod!
Recently my father asked me what I thought of the assassination of Al-Zarqawi. I will withold comment on that event, but what his question got me thinking about was the war on terror. Now, I don't really know what the war on terror is, but it "has something to do with young men killing each other" (Johnny Got His Gun) or something to do with keeping militant muslims from killing us on our own soil, or may be it has something to do with Iraqi democracy. Honestly, I don't really know. However, I trust politicians. They are old, educated men who clearly have my best interests in mind. After all, that is why I helped to elect (some of) them. If I thought I could do a better job, I wouldn't just sit around the Video Saloon or the Office Lounge and bitch about the how the gov't is screwing me, I'd get out there and try to make a difference by running for office, campaigning for state representatives and senators, and may be even run for office myself. As it is, I trust my representative, so I just bombard him with letters letting him know how I feel about certain issues, but he tends to agree with me.
Anyway, I digress. Many Americans don't like the war on terror and they are upset that civilian Iraqis and American soldiers are dying for a losing cause. However, they also don't want people blowing up subways, skyscrapers, and energy outlets (there are tons of relatively unguarded ones in Houston, TX, but no one seems to know about that except Houstonians). How do you prevent acts of terror and fight the evil terrorists, but not put the lives of soldiers and civilians at stake? Driving around several days ago I found the answer and it came on my iPod. You must contract out the war on terror to an elite, mercenary group of killing machines. Now, you may say that we have already done that by employing the US military and reserves in the war on terror, and look at all the human lives that have been lost. I have a solution to your worries. I have seen such a group of mercenaries in action and they are neither human nor destructible. I believe that right now they are residing in Antarctica. (Some of you are already feelin' me.) That's right, we need GWAR! You can read more about GWAR at their website htttp://gwar.net
But with lyrics like "however weak it's still appealing, a sight to send your senses reeling, to see your nipples stripped from you--tossed into my human stew" and "your flesh is insignificant, still you dragged yourself here on bloody stumps, recreated you, amputate you" and "the child has died, he must be fried, you humans are all the same inside" and "you shall achieve a maggot sponge-hold effect" and "we were born into space, slaughtering race after race," how can we go wrong? After all, they killed off the dinosaurs and built Stonehenge
There is a slight chance that there'd be considerable collateral damage, since GWAR does not discriminate, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Bring our troops home and summon the Sexicutioner, Salamanizer, Jizmak da Gusha, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty, Oderus Urungus, and Balsac the Jaws of Death!
I recommend downloading "Death Pod," "Love Surgery," "The Horror of Yig," "The Sexicutioner," and "The Salamanizer" and you'll be conviced that my plan is pure genius. Just read this excerpt from their website:
"Billions and billions of years ago, darkness was all that existed. Then The Master, ruler of the universe, created the planets and everything in them. But soon The Master became bored of this and created death, destruction and war. He enjoyed watching the peons die but soon even that became boring, he himself wanted to kill. So he began slaughtering the humanoids that littered the planets face, but that too lost its fun. He needed more of a challenge, so he created God-like creatures with whom he could do battle. But soon there were too many of these creatures, and he had to be rid of them. He conjured up all his power and created the most powerful he could, GWAR was formed. This elite fighting force was called The Scumdogs of the Universe. The Master used them to destroy all of his enemies. Millions of years and millions of battles later, GWAR became more powerful and craved even more power. Thinking that they could take over The Master's throne, GWAR attacked him and the greatest of all battles began. The carnage lasted a billion years before The Master created the ultimate weapon - the Death Pod. The pod swallowed GWAR up and delivered them to The Master.
"Ahhhh, foolish Scumdogs", The Master laughed. After thinking about what their punishment should be, he finally decided: GWAR shall be banished to a miserable mudball planet called Earth...
The Earth rumbled when the mighty Death Pod crashed into its surface. Shaken and confused, GWAR crawled out and looked around. Thinking they could have a nice little planet once its cleared off, they destroyed the dinosaurs. Afterwards they created Stonehenge so they could play croquet, and weren't having that bad of a time. The Master looked down upon this and frowned, what kind of punishment is this? So to stop the nonsense he imprisoned GWAR in an iceberg on the frozen continent of Antarctica.
Millions of years later: 1980ish. Glam rock was at its peak, groups like Poison and Whitesnake were dominating the airwaves. They inspired a whole slew of new "hair spray" bands. But little did they know, all of that hair spray put a hole in the ozone - right above Antarctica! Soon the unfiltered gamma rays melted the iceberg and GWAR was free.
Meanwhile, Sleazy P. Martini was fleeing the country on drug charges, flying over the former tomb of GWAR. He picked them up and brought them back to America. He taught them how to use instruments and they learned the language from watching midget wrestling and MTV. Soon GWAR was known as the greatest band in the Universe...
Unsatisfied with being worshipped by humans, GWAR still wishes to take revenge on The Master. They discovered a way. If GWAR could summon the World Maggot, they could ride it back to the center of the universe and finally defeat The Master. The World Maggot is a large maggot that lives in the center of the Earth, the only way to wake it is to slaughter millions of innocent people. So, taking advantage of their newfound fame, GWAR puts on shows to which their fans flock. They murder and mutilate these fans, show after show, until enough blood is spilled to wake the maggot."
Anyway, I digress. Many Americans don't like the war on terror and they are upset that civilian Iraqis and American soldiers are dying for a losing cause. However, they also don't want people blowing up subways, skyscrapers, and energy outlets (there are tons of relatively unguarded ones in Houston, TX, but no one seems to know about that except Houstonians). How do you prevent acts of terror and fight the evil terrorists, but not put the lives of soldiers and civilians at stake? Driving around several days ago I found the answer and it came on my iPod. You must contract out the war on terror to an elite, mercenary group of killing machines. Now, you may say that we have already done that by employing the US military and reserves in the war on terror, and look at all the human lives that have been lost. I have a solution to your worries. I have seen such a group of mercenaries in action and they are neither human nor destructible. I believe that right now they are residing in Antarctica. (Some of you are already feelin' me.) That's right, we need GWAR! You can read more about GWAR at their website htttp://gwar.net
But with lyrics like "however weak it's still appealing, a sight to send your senses reeling, to see your nipples stripped from you--tossed into my human stew" and "your flesh is insignificant, still you dragged yourself here on bloody stumps, recreated you, amputate you" and "the child has died, he must be fried, you humans are all the same inside" and "you shall achieve a maggot sponge-hold effect" and "we were born into space, slaughtering race after race," how can we go wrong? After all, they killed off the dinosaurs and built Stonehenge
There is a slight chance that there'd be considerable collateral damage, since GWAR does not discriminate, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Bring our troops home and summon the Sexicutioner, Salamanizer, Jizmak da Gusha, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty, Oderus Urungus, and Balsac the Jaws of Death!
I recommend downloading "Death Pod," "Love Surgery," "The Horror of Yig," "The Sexicutioner," and "The Salamanizer" and you'll be conviced that my plan is pure genius. Just read this excerpt from their website:
"Billions and billions of years ago, darkness was all that existed. Then The Master, ruler of the universe, created the planets and everything in them. But soon The Master became bored of this and created death, destruction and war. He enjoyed watching the peons die but soon even that became boring, he himself wanted to kill. So he began slaughtering the humanoids that littered the planets face, but that too lost its fun. He needed more of a challenge, so he created God-like creatures with whom he could do battle. But soon there were too many of these creatures, and he had to be rid of them. He conjured up all his power and created the most powerful he could, GWAR was formed. This elite fighting force was called The Scumdogs of the Universe. The Master used them to destroy all of his enemies. Millions of years and millions of battles later, GWAR became more powerful and craved even more power. Thinking that they could take over The Master's throne, GWAR attacked him and the greatest of all battles began. The carnage lasted a billion years before The Master created the ultimate weapon - the Death Pod. The pod swallowed GWAR up and delivered them to The Master.
"Ahhhh, foolish Scumdogs", The Master laughed. After thinking about what their punishment should be, he finally decided: GWAR shall be banished to a miserable mudball planet called Earth...
The Earth rumbled when the mighty Death Pod crashed into its surface. Shaken and confused, GWAR crawled out and looked around. Thinking they could have a nice little planet once its cleared off, they destroyed the dinosaurs. Afterwards they created Stonehenge so they could play croquet, and weren't having that bad of a time. The Master looked down upon this and frowned, what kind of punishment is this? So to stop the nonsense he imprisoned GWAR in an iceberg on the frozen continent of Antarctica.
Millions of years later: 1980ish. Glam rock was at its peak, groups like Poison and Whitesnake were dominating the airwaves. They inspired a whole slew of new "hair spray" bands. But little did they know, all of that hair spray put a hole in the ozone - right above Antarctica! Soon the unfiltered gamma rays melted the iceberg and GWAR was free.
Meanwhile, Sleazy P. Martini was fleeing the country on drug charges, flying over the former tomb of GWAR. He picked them up and brought them back to America. He taught them how to use instruments and they learned the language from watching midget wrestling and MTV. Soon GWAR was known as the greatest band in the Universe...
Unsatisfied with being worshipped by humans, GWAR still wishes to take revenge on The Master. They discovered a way. If GWAR could summon the World Maggot, they could ride it back to the center of the universe and finally defeat The Master. The World Maggot is a large maggot that lives in the center of the Earth, the only way to wake it is to slaughter millions of innocent people. So, taking advantage of their newfound fame, GWAR puts on shows to which their fans flock. They murder and mutilate these fans, show after show, until enough blood is spilled to wake the maggot."
The Perfect Garden Exists in my Backyard, Necessarily
Here is my a priori argument for the claim that I will have perfect tomatoes in my garden. I encourage you to scrutinize my argument since it is of utmost importance that my yield be bountiful:
1. I have an idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard.
2. A perfect being can lack no perfection
3. Existence is a perfection.
________________
Therefore, a perfect being cannot lack existence, the perfect tomato garden in my backyard must exist
or
1. I have an idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard.
2. It is manifest by the natural light of reason that there must be at least as much reality in the efficient and total cause as in the effect of that cause (third meditation).
3. I doubt, doubt is an imperfection, therefore I am imperfect (grant for the sake of argument. I know many of you will disagree with the conclusion of this premise out and out).
4. I cannot have created my idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard [2,3]
5. My idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard must have been created from a perfect tomato crop in my backyard [2].
________________________________________
Therefore, a perfect tomato crop in my backyard must exist.
Of course, both arguments are predicated on my existence, but I clearly and distinctly perceive that I exist. After all, I am a thinking thing, and no thinking thing can fail to exist anymore than an existing thing can fail to have extension.
1. I have an idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard.
2. A perfect being can lack no perfection
3. Existence is a perfection.
________________
Therefore, a perfect being cannot lack existence, the perfect tomato garden in my backyard must exist
or
1. I have an idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard.
2. It is manifest by the natural light of reason that there must be at least as much reality in the efficient and total cause as in the effect of that cause (third meditation).
3. I doubt, doubt is an imperfection, therefore I am imperfect (grant for the sake of argument. I know many of you will disagree with the conclusion of this premise out and out).
4. I cannot have created my idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard [2,3]
5. My idea of a perfect tomato crop in my backyard must have been created from a perfect tomato crop in my backyard [2].
________________________________________
Therefore, a perfect tomato crop in my backyard must exist.
Of course, both arguments are predicated on my existence, but I clearly and distinctly perceive that I exist. After all, I am a thinking thing, and no thinking thing can fail to exist anymore than an existing thing can fail to have extension.
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