Recently my father asked me what I thought of the assassination of Al-Zarqawi. I will withold comment on that event, but what his question got me thinking about was the war on terror. Now, I don't really know what the war on terror is, but it "has something to do with young men killing each other" (Johnny Got His Gun) or something to do with keeping militant muslims from killing us on our own soil, or may be it has something to do with Iraqi democracy. Honestly, I don't really know. However, I trust politicians. They are old, educated men who clearly have my best interests in mind. After all, that is why I helped to elect (some of) them. If I thought I could do a better job, I wouldn't just sit around the Video Saloon or the Office Lounge and bitch about the how the gov't is screwing me, I'd get out there and try to make a difference by running for office, campaigning for state representatives and senators, and may be even run for office myself. As it is, I trust my representative, so I just bombard him with letters letting him know how I feel about certain issues, but he tends to agree with me.
Anyway, I digress. Many Americans don't like the war on terror and they are upset that civilian Iraqis and American soldiers are dying for a losing cause. However, they also don't want people blowing up subways, skyscrapers, and energy outlets (there are tons of relatively unguarded ones in Houston, TX, but no one seems to know about that except Houstonians). How do you prevent acts of terror and fight the evil terrorists, but not put the lives of soldiers and civilians at stake? Driving around several days ago I found the answer and it came on my iPod. You must contract out the war on terror to an elite, mercenary group of killing machines. Now, you may say that we have already done that by employing the US military and reserves in the war on terror, and look at all the human lives that have been lost. I have a solution to your worries. I have seen such a group of mercenaries in action and they are neither human nor destructible. I believe that right now they are residing in Antarctica. (Some of you are already feelin' me.) That's right, we need GWAR! You can read more about GWAR at their website htttp://gwar.net
But with lyrics like "however weak it's still appealing, a sight to send your senses reeling, to see your nipples stripped from you--tossed into my human stew" and "your flesh is insignificant, still you dragged yourself here on bloody stumps, recreated you, amputate you" and "the child has died, he must be fried, you humans are all the same inside" and "you shall achieve a maggot sponge-hold effect" and "we were born into space, slaughtering race after race," how can we go wrong? After all, they killed off the dinosaurs and built Stonehenge
There is a slight chance that there'd be considerable collateral damage, since GWAR does not discriminate, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Bring our troops home and summon the Sexicutioner, Salamanizer, Jizmak da Gusha, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty, Oderus Urungus, and Balsac the Jaws of Death!
I recommend downloading "Death Pod," "Love Surgery," "The Horror of Yig," "The Sexicutioner," and "The Salamanizer" and you'll be conviced that my plan is pure genius. Just read this excerpt from their website:
"Billions and billions of years ago, darkness was all that existed. Then The Master, ruler of the universe, created the planets and everything in them. But soon The Master became bored of this and created death, destruction and war. He enjoyed watching the peons die but soon even that became boring, he himself wanted to kill. So he began slaughtering the humanoids that littered the planets face, but that too lost its fun. He needed more of a challenge, so he created God-like creatures with whom he could do battle. But soon there were too many of these creatures, and he had to be rid of them. He conjured up all his power and created the most powerful he could, GWAR was formed. This elite fighting force was called The Scumdogs of the Universe. The Master used them to destroy all of his enemies. Millions of years and millions of battles later, GWAR became more powerful and craved even more power. Thinking that they could take over The Master's throne, GWAR attacked him and the greatest of all battles began. The carnage lasted a billion years before The Master created the ultimate weapon - the Death Pod. The pod swallowed GWAR up and delivered them to The Master.
"Ahhhh, foolish Scumdogs", The Master laughed. After thinking about what their punishment should be, he finally decided: GWAR shall be banished to a miserable mudball planet called Earth...
The Earth rumbled when the mighty Death Pod crashed into its surface. Shaken and confused, GWAR crawled out and looked around. Thinking they could have a nice little planet once its cleared off, they destroyed the dinosaurs. Afterwards they created Stonehenge so they could play croquet, and weren't having that bad of a time. The Master looked down upon this and frowned, what kind of punishment is this? So to stop the nonsense he imprisoned GWAR in an iceberg on the frozen continent of Antarctica.
Millions of years later: 1980ish. Glam rock was at its peak, groups like Poison and Whitesnake were dominating the airwaves. They inspired a whole slew of new "hair spray" bands. But little did they know, all of that hair spray put a hole in the ozone - right above Antarctica! Soon the unfiltered gamma rays melted the iceberg and GWAR was free.
Meanwhile, Sleazy P. Martini was fleeing the country on drug charges, flying over the former tomb of GWAR. He picked them up and brought them back to America. He taught them how to use instruments and they learned the language from watching midget wrestling and MTV. Soon GWAR was known as the greatest band in the Universe...
Unsatisfied with being worshipped by humans, GWAR still wishes to take revenge on The Master. They discovered a way. If GWAR could summon the World Maggot, they could ride it back to the center of the universe and finally defeat The Master. The World Maggot is a large maggot that lives in the center of the Earth, the only way to wake it is to slaughter millions of innocent people. So, taking advantage of their newfound fame, GWAR puts on shows to which their fans flock. They murder and mutilate these fans, show after show, until enough blood is spilled to wake the maggot."
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